maze of my thoughts

Growing up with counsellor December 8, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 9:27 am

i wonder, how it is to grow up with a counselor at home? I was thinking how it would be for my kids when i raise them. Today while gupchuping with my mother in the afternoon, a vegetable selling lady stopped by the house and signalled. My mso seamlessly walked towards the window, spoke to her, just like it were her friend… That lady passed by bidding goodbye… My mum came back…

This is one incidence i observed keenlu, but there were many such people who visited my mum.. I always thought it was because my mum wuld help them, or be godly with them… I was totally wrong, all she was being empathetic, listening and reassuring them when needed that life isnt all that bad.. And also many more times, she would just treat them as equal as she would treat any of others…

Now i feel so cool about my mum, cos for the skills she has inbuilt, i go to classes and courses ..

Now i know how it is to grow with a counsellor…. 

 

Haunted!!! September 9, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 5:28 pm

From past couple of months, I have started feeling lighter, cleansed and reaching Nirvana!! I almost started doubting my “those ” couple of months on how could I be the way I was! Feeling helpless, lost, and in hopeless state!! Its always good to see at the past and be critical about it and feel shameless about it!! These new set of months as I was feeling lighter, was also being extremely critical about my past!!! I never knew what was going to happen would hit me so badly, so badly that would make me hide within myself!

The reason for me to feel lighter, cleansed and state of reaching Nirvana, was because I indulged myself in my personal work, working with others, reflecting on my life, reflecting on other’s life, being part of body workshops, acknowledging my grieves.. so much so that it made feel that this is it!! I am so close to the beginning line of Nirvana!!!

Being in that state.. it just took a line of sentence to read and straight away fall back.. so back that made me go on a fast-rewind looking at myself ashamed of being critical about my “so called helpless state!!”.. that was just couple of seconds.. yet so powerful enough that made me reach the moments where I was feeling of helpless, lost and hopeless!! So my past still haunts me…. 

 

alarm.. alarmm… alarmmm.. 7.45.. snooze… alaarm…. I woke up.. and then realized, all these things haunt me in my dream too!!!

 

Right or Wrong! April 9, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 6:10 pm

I wonder where do we get our definitions of everything we know? We build a whole definition of right and wrong things about everything around us, but the question is how do we know the definition of “Right”. Most of the times, things which do not fit in our “Right” category falls by default into “Wrong” category. Is this appropriate?

 

 

New entry in my life!!! August 16, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 3:12 pm

When somebody enters your life, it makes a lot of changes in your life… Isn’t it? Yes it does, sometimes it makes you laugh, feel hesitant, smile, doubt or even question it was the right decision to make. Well with all the questions, I welcome my new ipy to my life… Oh by “ipy” I meant, IPAD.. Yes i did get it, from my closest buddy…thank u gube… this post is dedicated to him :)…

Right now, writing this on my ipy!

 

Indifference!! August 1, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 6:19 pm
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Indifference : Meaning:.. “Lack of interest”.. Well, another way of understanding this as “Oppositve of Love”.. this word has been bothering me quite a lot and creating lot of confusions, more to do with understanding what really Love is!! If indifference is “Lack of interest”, then Love got to be “having more of interest”.. .is it all?
if its not just that, then Love got to have more than one opposites!.. well thats not convincing enough! isnt it!!
have you ever felt, that being in a relationship is just so wonderful like you have never felt this way ever before.. do u call this Love? may be not so early!!! have you ever felt the same way even after years of being in the same relationship!!! May be yeah it is Love.. but in between, there is a state which keeps creeping in, that is the state of being “Indifferent” towards the other person in relationship!! Then do we call OFF the Love? may be not.. may be yes.. well, its confusing..

Still confused.. what I understand is, while we all are in a state of indifference one time or the other.. lets accept that.. even towards the closest of the person.. may be for a minute.. so.. that doesnt mean we have no LOVE towards each other!! May be its just too much of Love to take at once.. May be being indifference makes you realize that it is different..  may be the state of indifference makes the relationship worthy of continuing?

Still trying to understand .. the feelings swing from LOVE to INDIFFERENCE to LOVE to INDIFFERENCE.. infinity!!! thats relationship!

 

Denial! July 20, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 3:16 pm
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We start our life, live our life, every moment, as if we are not going to die! thats the first thing we learn, “denial of death!”…. thats what is required for us to proceed in our life..  We start walking, running, playing, like we are never going to fall, thats the second thing that we learn to deny, “denial of hurt”… We meet people, learn from them, be with them, like we will never get apart from them, thats another thing we learn, “denial of getting apart”… We fall in love, start feeling like its never going to end.. “denial of Rejection”…  We deny to move on, with the fear, “denial of living again”… We face the death, like we never ever lived… “denial of life”…  When did we live, rather when did I live?? in denial!!
“Delay is the deadliest form of denial. “
– C. Northcote Parkinson

 

Nature’s Law – Tried breaking it ever? June 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 7:00 pm
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Have you ever tried to break the nature’s law? Have u experienced how it is when you even attempt it? believe me its a going to be difficult! and all the more its going to be painful!!

Nature has evolved over years and ages.. with some logical definitions for the way it is.. be it be the sunrise.. or the way the flower blossoms.. or the child’s birth.. No matter what it happens the way it has to.. and no one can stop it.. but there are some other things which we can try tweaking.. when we try doing that.. it gets so difficult and it gets harder.. and it gets painful every time we try to exist in that tweaked situations!! Well I let u think over the situations where you have tried breaking the Nature’s law…

 

Innocence! When do we loose it? June 9, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 5:48 am

As we are born, we are always said to be innocent.. so when we grow up.. we tend to understand the world.. and interact with people.. this question keeps coming to me, that when did I loose my innocence??  To answer that.. i wanted to know what exactly the word innocent mean! So here the definition goes: “free from moral wrong; without sin;”… So as a child I did lot of things like fighting with my younger brother.. or being jealous of somebody else.. etc.. so that also means I am not innocent.. so when was I innocent?? Somebody close to me kept on telling until recently that I was very innocent.. dint know how to be in the practical world.. I wondered was it true? since it came from someone close to me I was biased to accept it.. but sometimes I feel i was never innocent.. I always did something that does not fit the definition of “Innocence”.. So I am wondering can I get back the innocence in me, which I never felt! If so.. how do I? “The innocent is the person who explains nothing!” – Albert Camus… having second thoughts about it!!!

 

Arrivals!! May 2, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 5:39 am

30th April 2011, Time: 1.15 AM… Bangalore International Airport..  I had a choice to  choose the seats near “Departures” or “Arrivals”.. I hate Departures, hence I walked towards “Arrivals” side,…  waiting for my best buddy to return back.. This waiting was supposed to be long as his flight got delayed by almost 2.5 hours.. I was wondering what to do.. settled down with a cup of coffee.. and a book “Games people play”.. every 15 mins a flight arrived, and I was distracted by the scenes that would happen at this side of the airport..  finally I gave up reading the book, and bookmarked with the bill I had saved (don’t know for what reason!!)..  and started watching people around..

Some people walked alone, and just looked for their name boards.. and just walked passed.. Many people waiting like me.. were just waiting to see whom they r waiting for..  I could sense of joy the felt .. a feeling of getting back something they had been missing…

I could see friends hugging and jumping.. and talking from the time they saw.. until they got into the taxis.. while this was over.. I could see grandchildren running towards their granny.. where granny was just waiting became energetic.. and hugged .. and was searching for the chocolates she had got for them..

Parents waiting for their children.. returning back.. that is something that touches me everytime, I see it .. not just in airport.. but even on a daily basis when children return back from school.. J..

We do have advanced so much in technology.. tho we get to see people at very distant places live on camera everyday.. the sense and feeling of touch we experience when we actually see and feel them.. is totally different.. it cannot be replaced with any live conferences.. or phone calls.. ah but they definitely will keep the connection going !!!

Returning back is such a feeling for the people who receive the ones coming back….With all this distraction.. I was still waiting for the one whom I came for..  I am totally unpredictable with my reactions I give in such situations.. so not knowing how I would receive him.. a feeling of eagerness is just meeting him… somewhere a feeling that he would return back from Bangalore as well.. creeped in.. its just two months.. after that Jun 30th I will be here.. at the “Departures” side of the Airport.. feeling a sense of loss.. that cannot be replaced with a telephone call/webcam…. I hate Departures!!!

       1.29 AM 30th April. “Arrivals section”… Bangalore International Airport

 

ma.. March 22, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — Deepak Dhananjaya @ 5:37 pm

Was watching “Wake up sid”.. movie,  I had watched it before.. but today when I was watching, it so happened that a scene was playing where the neighbour of konkana sen asks sid to take photos of her kid.. the kid wants to play, but she wants some nice photos of his.. to preserve it as memories (she dint say that!!).. and almost when the photoshooot comes to an end.. and when sid is moved by the mother’s satisfaction or a sense of completion in her when she is hugging the kid.. it just made me move..

I started feeling..how selfless mothers be.. how affectionate they are.. no matter.. what pain they are in.. they just not do their duty, but add a flavour of unique love that is impeccable.. I remembered my childhood.. and all the sweet memories.. that makes me moma’s boy.. and just trying to pen down my feelings now..  amazing we are to have mothers..  but they feel they are lucky and blessed to have children to make them feel complete..   I feel there is no best or good mothers.. they are just mothers..

It just reminds me of this poem..

There are times only when a Mother’s love
Can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappointments
And calm all our fears.

There are times when only a Mother’s Love
Can share the joy we feel
When something we’ve dreamed about
Quite suddenly is real.

There are times when only a Mother’s faith
Can help on life’s way
And inspire in us the confidence
We need from day to day.

For a Mother’s heart and a Mother’s faith
And a Mother’s steadfast love
Were fashioned by the Angels
And sent from God above…

by Michael O. Adesanya