maze of my thoughts

Lost my virginity!

thoughtmaze — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 16:25:51 +0000

Note: Well, this post title could be very controversial, please hold back your comments and reactions until you finish reading the post.

It all started in a slow pace.. Cool breeze.. Dim lighting.. A cup of cool drink, what more to ask for the a good evening…I never knew it was going to be the way it turned to be…

It was my first time.. Hesitation, curiosity and eagerly lookin for the time I m going to spend and experience… There was very less crowd, and it started growin big and big as the time passed… The music was on, getting louder and louder with every beat almost hitting my ears and entering my body like a REAL HEARTBEAT.. People all around me were doing it like it was so natural, without any hesitation and like it was not in their control… I was wondering and while I was still wondering and wandering… I was pulled into it… Then, dint know how to start, was feeling very uncomfortable at the beginning, but then I let go myself with all the hesitation and fear. And “if and then and else “… Slowly I got into the beat of the music and following the majority there… I did it wrong for the first few times, and after few more attempts I still was not doing right…

But what I felt was, though I dint do it right or even get nearby right.. I was not regretting, cos it was my first time, and I had let myself go from my own boundaries and just followed the flow..

On 13th august… Night I lost my virginity of dancing to the music beats of disco… I lost it in blue waves.. Disco…

Well.. Now ur comments please!!!

New entry in my life!!!

thoughtmaze — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 15:12:20 +0000

When somebody enters your life, it makes a lot of changes in your life… Isn’t it? Yes it does, sometimes it makes you laugh, feel hesitant, smile, doubt or even question it was the right decision to make. Well with all the questions, I welcome my new ipy to my life… Oh by “ipy” I meant, IPAD.. Yes i did get it, from my closest buddy…thank u gube… this post is dedicated to him …

Right now, writing this on my ipy!

Indifference!!

thoughtmaze — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 18:19:53 +0000

Indifference : Meaning:.. “Lack of interest”.. Well, another way of understanding this as “Oppositve of Love”.. this word has been bothering me quite a lot and creating lot of confusions, more to do with understanding what really Love is!! If indifference is “Lack of interest”, then Love got to be “having more of interest”.. .is it all?
if its not just that, then Love got to have more than one opposites!.. well thats not convincing enough! isnt it!!
have you ever felt, that being in a relationship is just so wonderful like you have never felt this way ever before.. do u call this Love? may be not so early!!! have you ever felt the same way even after years of being in the same relationship!!! May be yeah it is Love.. but in between, there is a state which keeps creeping in, that is the state of being “Indifferent” towards the other person in relationship!! Then do we call OFF the Love? may be not.. may be yes.. well, its confusing..

Still confused.. what I understand is, while we all are in a state of indifference one time or the other.. lets accept that.. even towards the closest of the person.. may be for a minute.. so.. that doesnt mean we have no LOVE towards each other!! May be its just too much of Love to take at once.. May be being indifference makes you realize that it is different.. may be the state of indifference makes the relationship worthy of continuing?

Still trying to understand .. the feelings swing from LOVE to INDIFFERENCE to LOVE to INDIFFERENCE.. infinity!!! thats relationship!

Denial!

thoughtmaze — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 15:16:49 +0000

We start our life, live our life, every moment, as if we are not going to die! thats the first thing we learn, “denial of death!”…. thats what is required for us to proceed in our life.. We start walking, running, playing, like we are never going to fall, thats the second thing that we learn to deny, “denial of hurt”… We meet people, learn from them, be with them, like we will never get apart from them, thats another thing we learn, “denial of getting apart”… We fall in love, start feeling like its never going to end.. “denial of Rejection”… We deny to move on, with the fear, “denial of living again”… We face the death, like we never ever lived… “denial of life”… When did we live, rather when did I live?? in denial!!
“Delay is the deadliest form of denial. “
- C. Northcote Parkinson

Nature’s Law – Tried breaking it ever?

thoughtmaze — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 19:00:46 +0000

Have you ever tried to break the nature’s law? Have u experienced how it is when you even attempt it? believe me its a going to be difficult! and all the more its going to be painful!!

Nature has evolved over years and ages.. with some logical definitions for the way it is.. be it be the sunrise.. or the way the flower blossoms.. or the child’s birth.. No matter what it happens the way it has to.. and no one can stop it.. but there are some other things which we can try tweaking.. when we try doing that.. it gets so difficult and it gets harder.. and it gets painful every time we try to exist in that tweaked situations!! Well I let u think over the situations where you have tried breaking the Nature’s law…

Innocence! When do we loose it?

thoughtmaze — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 05:48:03 +0000

As we are born, we are always said to be innocent.. so when we grow up.. we tend to understand the world.. and interact with people.. this question keeps coming to me, that when did I loose my innocence?? To answer that.. i wanted to know what exactly the word innocent mean! So here the definition goes: “free from moral wrong; without sin;”… So as a child I did lot of things like fighting with my younger brother.. or being jealous of somebody else.. etc.. so that also means I am not innocent.. so when was I innocent?? Somebody close to me kept on telling until recently that I was very innocent.. dint know how to be in the practical world.. I wondered was it true? since it came from someone close to me I was biased to accept it.. but sometimes I feel i was never innocent.. I always did something that does not fit the definition of “Innocence”.. So I am wondering can I get back the innocence in me, which I never felt! If so.. how do I? “The innocent is the person who explains nothing!” – Albert Camus… having second thoughts about it!!!

Arrivals!!

thoughtmaze — Mon, 02 May 2011 05:39:22 +0000

30^th April 2011, Time: 1.15 AM… Bangalore International Airport.. I had a choice to choose the seats near “Departures” or “Arrivals”.. I hate Departures, hence I walked towards “Arrivals” side,… waiting for my best buddy to return back.. This waiting was supposed to be long as his flight got delayed by almost 2.5 hours.. I was wondering what to do.. settled down with a cup of coffee.. and a book “Games people play”.. every 15 mins a flight arrived, and I was distracted by the scenes that would happen at this side of the airport.. finally I gave up reading the book, and bookmarked with the bill I had saved (don’t know for what reason!!).. and started watching people around..

Some people walked alone, and just looked for their name boards.. and just walked passed.. Many people waiting like me.. were just waiting to see whom they r waiting for.. I could sense of joy the felt .. a feeling of getting back something they had been missing…

I could see friends hugging and jumping.. and talking from the time they saw.. until they got into the taxis.. while this was over.. I could see grandchildren running towards their granny.. where granny was just waiting became energetic.. and hugged .. and was searching for the chocolates she had got for them..

Parents waiting for their children.. returning back.. that is something that touches me everytime, I see it .. not just in airport.. but even on a daily basis when children return back from school.. J..

We do have advanced so much in technology.. tho we get to see people at very distant places live on camera everyday.. the sense and feeling of touch we experience when we actually see and feel them.. is totally different.. it cannot be replaced with any live conferences.. or phone calls.. ah but they definitely will keep the connection going !!!

Returning back is such a feeling for the people who receive the ones coming back….With all this distraction.. I was still waiting for the one whom I came for.. I am totally unpredictable with my reactions I give in such situations.. so not knowing how I would receive him.. a feeling of eagerness is just meeting him… somewhere a feeling that he would return back from Bangalore as well.. creeped in.. its just two months.. after that Jun 30^th I will be here.. at the “Departures” side of the Airport.. feeling a sense of loss.. that cannot be replaced with a telephone call/webcam…. I hate Departures!!!

- 1.29 AM 30^th April. “Arrivals section”… Bangalore International Airport

ma..

thoughtmaze — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 17:37:13 +0000

Was watching “Wake up sid”.. movie, I had watched it before.. but today when I was watching, it so happened that a scene was playing where the neighbour of konkana sen asks sid to take photos of her kid.. the kid wants to play, but she wants some nice photos of his.. to preserve it as memories (she dint say that!!).. and almost when the photoshooot comes to an end.. and when sid is moved by the mother’s satisfaction or a sense of completion in her when she is hugging the kid.. it just made me move..

I started feeling..how selfless mothers be.. how affectionate they are.. no matter.. what pain they are in.. they just not do their duty, but add a flavour of unique love that is impeccable.. I remembered my childhood.. and all the sweet memories.. that makes me moma’s boy.. and just trying to pen down my feelings now.. amazing we are to have mothers.. but they feel they are lucky and blessed to have children to make them feel complete.. I feel there is no best or good mothers.. they are just mothers..

It just reminds me of this poem..

There are times only when a Mother’s love
Can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappointments
And calm all our fears.

There are times when only a Mother’s Love
Can share the joy we feel
When something we’ve dreamed about
Quite suddenly is real.

There are times when only a Mother’s faith
Can help on life’s way
And inspire in us the confidence
We need from day to day.

For a Mother’s heart and a Mother’s faith
And a Mother’s steadfast love
Were fashioned by the Angels
And sent from God above…

by Michael O. Adesanya

Letting go!!

thoughtmaze — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 18:38:15 +0000

Whenever I hear this song from the kannada daily serial “Mukta..” my heart fills.. the way it has been sung.. and the words.. they make my eyes wet!

Many a times, we just wait for some occassion to let go our feelings.. we wait until we find a channel to let go them.. the beautiful wordings gives the apt meaning for what I am trying to say.. in otherwords I am trying to interpret this song in my wordings.. in my view!

“kaaru moda maleyaagi suridaaga.. kanna hanige mukti.. ” — When dark clouds break down as heavy rain.. the tears find its way out of my eyes.. so that nobody knows that I was crying! so holding back and holding back..

“marada hakki mari rekke beesidare adara garige mukti…. ” – the feather is let free.. only when the small bird lets its wings out for the first time.. to fly!

“Edeya noovu .. hadagi hommidare, bhavakke banda mukti.. ” —- when i sing and express my sorry.. the feelings get to flow out freely…

like this.. every word .. every line has a very detailed meaning.. which I appreciate..

The best of the line I like is

“moggininda sere odeda gandha.. hoovinda doora doora.. ” — the fragrance from the bud of the flower.. when it starts flowing out.. far from the flower.. I also look at it as .. what the bud (going to become flower).. would feel like letting go this fragrance which it had kept and nourished inside it…. how difficult it could get for the bud??

With this question.. I too m thinking of letting go? it isnt easy!!

Life After Death!

thoughtmaze — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 14:39:09 +0000

Today, I saw another death Dr. Vishnuvardhan, expired today morning. While discussing about his death, one of my cab mate said that in his website, it is said that he is afraid of “Life After Death”… That phrase hit me so badly that it was revolving in my head all the time till now… infact even now… coming to think of it.. is there a life after death? if yes then how do we understand death? another intermediate stop?….

Along with this thought, are we (intelligent beings.. humans) understand the meaning of death properly?? or is it like we have understood the concept of being vegetarian and still kill plants.. or we say the color of blood is RED, without defining the blood for plants…

LIfe after death!!! Now I am suspecting the intelligence of humans, is it that, the person still feels, experience the pain without being able to react or respond…. and we end up burning the person after so called “Death”… just because “Our intelligence” says that brain and heart stops working, and considers it to be death!!….

What if this is true.. is it the reason for letting the bodies rest in pyramids in egypt, with all the required house hold things for a living.. believing that Life after death is to be lead alone?

Now not in my website, but in my blog, also convey that I too fear “Life After Death!!”…..